impassable distances
by icedcoffeepanda
Summary: When a misunderstanding goes too far, a repentant Merlin tries to make amends but Morgana refuses to let him. Love, however strong, is not enough to rebuild a broken relationship. Will they be able to give themselves and each other a chance? Modern AU.


**Okay... super angsty modern AU ahead. It Will Be Very Dramatic. You've been warned.**

 **Italics are either text messages or character's inner thoughts.**

 **Disclaimer - BBC Merlin is not mine.**

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 _Meet me at Lr Strand Kanturk 34, Dublin this Saturday. Get a copy Uther's will with you. Come alone, and don't tell anyone of this else I won't be there. – M._

Merlin stares at that text on his phone screen for 5 whole minutes until his eyes start burning from the dryness. He keeps it back on his bedside where it lands rather harshly. He contemplates the message as he washes his face. Four months. Four whole months and not a word. And now suddenly a measly text with an address in Dublin, of all places? That question gives way to a litany of others.

Why there? Why that address? Is that where she lives now? What does she want with Uther's will? And what the hell is with all the secrecy?

He clenches his fists and lets out a frustrated growl. This woman will be the death of him, he's sure of that. Why must she do this to him? All he wants is a chance. Just one chance to make things right and she just disappeared on him. These four months without her had been literal hell. He felt like he'd been in a constant state of anxiety – fearing if her hurt and hate for his actions was growing with every second. More than that, he feared for her well-being, knowing she was out there alone and angry and most likely neglecting her own health. Willing himself to calm down, he tells himself that this is it. Maybe this is her finally letting him in. But even his optimism can't fight the truth that comes from knowing Morgana as long as he did – She isn't one to forgive so easily.

"When he rang the doorbell for a moment he dreaded that no one would open the door. Or worse, someone would, but it wouldn't be her.

When it does, indeed open, the sight that greets him is breathtaking. Even clad in simple green top and jeans, she's absolutely lovely and he nearly cries as the entire weight of the separation threatens to crush him in that one moment. He wondered how he'd survived it.

He wonders how she did, too. He wants to believe it hadn't affected her the same way but one look at her and he can tell that she isn't happy. Her skin's even paler than usual and he can make out the slight bags under her eyes. Only Morgana would choose to torture herself like this for her blasted pride.

He wonders if he should, but decides to throw caution into the wind and moves forward to hold her in his arms and kiss her senseless after what felt like an eternity.

...Which turns out to be a bad decision because no sooner than he's within touching proximity she firmly pushes him back.

"I didn't call you here for a joyful reunion. I called to give you something. Have you brought what I asked?" Her voice was sharp and business-like. But Merlin could sense an underlying quiver that indicated how hard she was trying to keep the anger and hurt out of her voice.

He wasn't sure what hurt more – her reaction to seeing him or being faced with the evidence of how badly he had failed her.

"I did... here." He produces the papers from his jacket and hands them to Morgana before she walks back to room that looked like a study. She emerges from the room 10 minutes later, during which time Merlin already made himself comfortable on the sofa in the living room. He looks around for a bit, the apartment doesn't look to be Morgana's at all, although he can tell that she's been living here for quite some time. The thought makes him even sadder, because the Morgana he knew never went anywhere without leaving her mark. She especially loved to buy new things and carefully furnish any place that was her own – their apartment back in London is proof of that. This one looks like it might as well belong to a ghost.

When she comes back, hands him signed papers held together by a stapled corner.

"What are these?"

"My shares." Morgana states pointedly. "And the property I inherited from Uther – I've transferred it all to Arthur. There. Now you don't have to ever worry about me wanting to steal any of what rightfully belongs to your precious friend."

Eyes growing wider and wider with each word, Merlin has to take a moment to be able to form any coherent words. "Are you insane?! Morgana, this is all rightfully yours! How could you... how could you give it all up just to prove a point? That you don't even need to?"

"Don't I?" She raises an eyebrow "You were awfully suspicious of my ulterior motives. Not too long ago I'd imagine you'd have been happy with it."

"I would never have been happy with you doing something like this, please, believe me." Merlin said softly.

"Then why did you?"

"I was frightened and desperate at that time, Morgana!" Merlin tries desperately to make her understand, but his words only serve to fuel her anger. "With your volatile history with Uther and wanting to take him down naturally I assumed-"

"You assumed what?!" Morgana interrupts "That I'd willingly hurt Arthur? And Gwen? And basically every other Camelot employee? How long have you known me, Merlin?

"Morgana..."

Morgana covers her face with her hands, and speaks up again after a moment.

"How long?"

"What?" Merlin blinks, confused at her odd question.

"How long have you known me?"

"Morgana, please-"

"Answer the question, _Merlin_. How long?"

"Ten years." Merlin answers with a sigh.

"That's right." Morgana begins with a sardonic smile, "Ten bloody _years_. Not ONCE did it cross your mind that maybe based on the person I am I might not be out to ruin the lives of hundreds of people?"

"Morgana, it wasn't as simple!" He knew it wasn't going to be easy trying to reason with Morgana, but this was just getting ridiculous now. "With you suddenly going to Morgause without telling anyone and knowing how much you hate Uther I just thought..."

"Of course. You thought right. I was wrong. I'm a horrible woman and don't deserve you. Now why don't we just wrap it up here and you go home and forget about me. "

"Morgana!" Merlin interrupts her angrily, "Stop saying such things. You know what you mean to me. You know it's impossible for me to forget about you."

Morgana let out a bittersweet chuckle, "Could've fooled me six months ago."

Merlin sighs for the umpteenth time. So he says the one honest thing on his mind, in the vague hope that it might elicit a similar response from her. " ...I miss you."

Morgana grinds her teeth before answering, "You'll get over it." Merlin just stands there, stunned.

"How can you even say that?"

"Why can't I? I'm the conniving little stone-cold bitch, remember?" Morgana says bitterly, pointing to herself. "You should be used to my callous remarks by now."

"Morgana, for God's sake! Can't you see that I'm trying? I love you! I always did and I still do!"

"And yet it's not enough, Merlin!" Morgana exclaims, her voice breaking. "It is simply. Not. Enough. Love didn't stop you from trusting outsiders over your own fiancé. It didn't stop you or anyone else from doubting my loyalty. It didn't stop you from abandoning me when I needed you the most!"

"Morgana please, when people have misunderstandings, they talk it out. They don't shut themselves away from their partner. Their friends and family, even."

Morgana gave a choked laugh. "Friends. Family. Everyone I know was swayed and influenced by my so-called partner to doubt me and isolate me. My brother you already have wrapped around your finger, and he has Gwen wrapped around his. Gaius is your family, And Gwaine and Lancelot are your friends. Morgause wanted to use me to get to Uther and now won't speak to me because I didn't help her destroy the Pendragon Corp. And Uther himself is a lying, abusive, and overall toxic piece of shit I'd like to forget I'm related to. Tell me, Merlin. What do I have left?"

"Everything. Everyone. All is not lost. Now that everyone knows the truth about your intentions-"

"Oh fuck off. The truth about my intentions?" Morgana mimics bitterly. "The moment someone gives you the slightest reason to believe otherwise, no matter if they are complete strangers claiming to know of destinies and past lives or some rubbish about my true nature, you'll go back to square."

Merlin's beginning to get really frustrated.

"I really didn't mean to! I was so focused on protecting Arthur and Gwen and the company I just... I didn't realise I was being unfair to you. That we all were. I'm so sorry, Morgana. I'm so, so sorry. If I could just go back and change the way I behaved-"

"Doesn't matter to me." Morgana waved her hand, clearly indicating to put a stop to this pointless conversation. "You can't. So take these" She tried to hand him the papers but he didn't take them, "and please leave."

"Get out, Merlin."

"Morgana-" He looks at her with glistening, imploring eyes.

"GET OUT! Take these papers and get the fuck out of my house! I just-" Her voice breaks off to fight against the onslaught of tears threatening to break the last vestiges of her dignity.

"I'm tired, Merlin. I've had too much _." Too much negativity, too much stress and far too much self-doubt. I cannot even look at you any longer. It makes me hate myself and hate the world around me. If I spend one more minute around you I feel like I'll explode._ "Just leave. And never contact me again. The same goes for the others."

Merlin just stands there and fixes her with a heart wrenching look. Morgana hates how it makes her want to give in, how he can still affect her.

"Please." She says a final time. She doesn't have the energy to fight anymore.

"Just one more thing. If all you had to do was sort these out, then why call me? Why not Arthur himself?" Merlin's not sure what he's hoping for, but it's certainly not what her answer turns out to be.

"Because I knew Arthur would be insufferable and would refuse to leave without taking me with him. You, I hope, will understand. I thought it shouldn't be too hard for you, leaving me alone. After all, it's what you're best at."

Merlin looked as if he'd been punched in the gut. It would certainly have hurt less.

"Alright. If that's what you want to believe." He still looks dispirited, but for a second she thought she saw something else shining in his eyes now - a sort of a determination. He gives her a meaningful look before walking out.

The tears she'd been valiantly holding at bay are now making her way down her cheeks, and she wonders when, if ever things will be alright again.

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 **A.N. : Soo...what did you think? I know, I know. It's different from my general territory of floofy goodness but Author is sad and so can only think of sad OTP scenarios. Let me know if you'd like me to continue this. If so, I'll give a proper backstory to what actually happened, (although I believe you already have an idea) and a resolution (?) to this whole conflict. Till next time!**


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